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REMEMBRANCES

Best Friend

I lost my best friend to herion the day after my birthday. But I didn’t know he was even gone for another 3 months. His addiction changed him, and we were in a fight over something he had done. But the worst part was, I messaged him that day, and said “I need your help.” But he must have been busy dying because he never did respond. All this time I thought we were still just fighting. Just to find out we would never get to end our argument. I will never get to tell him that I’m sorry, or that I love him, let alone goodbye. And my last message to him will forever haunt me. I had asked for his help, when he didn’t think he could ask me for mine. I have talked about him almost daily till the day I found out. Now I talk about him even more. Suddenly there is a memory of him everywhere I look. I keep thinking if I call he will pick up. But I don’t call because I am too afraid the sound of his voicemail will break me apart more. My best friend was a genius, and he would be the first to tell you he was. Outwardly he was so confident. But inside apparently not so much. We lived together for awhile, but I moved because I knew I couldn’t be the one to find him that way. I couldn’t be the one to tell his mom. And now I wonder if he didn’t feel abandoned. I know it wasn’t my fault. But everyday I wonder weather or not he was alone. If he was scared, or sad. If the day, the day after my birthday, holds any weight at all. I will never get answers to these questions. They weigh heavy on my broken heart. We still had plans with each other, we still had to finish our fight. I wish I could go back to our apartment. Tell him I will stay till he doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t bring myself to call his mom. If she has been healing I don’t want to rip her back apart. And I’m too embarrassed that as his best friend I didn’t even know for 3 more months. I think back at why I was mad at him now, and it doesn’t even matter what it was. It’s wasn’t bad enough to never talk. It wasn’t important and it kept me from getting to tell him how much he was loved. Make sure those you love know it, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Because one day you could wake up and the one you love is gone. I haven’t been able to tell my oldest son. I know this will break his heart and change him as well. And I feel like he’s just too young. But I wonder if he will be mad at me, or feel like I do because he didn’t know. How do you explain addiction to a 12 year old?

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REMEMBRANCES

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