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REMEMBRANCES

Heidi

I lost my daughter Heidi to an accidental drug overdose (fentanyl). It’s now 2 years later and I believe that it is only now that I have allowed myself grieve. We went through the last 5 years of her life in and out of treatment/hospitals/jails. But in the last 3-6 mths. we had lost her far too many times to count and bring her back with medical intervention and in the last month it was I who had a use the antidote to reverse the effects of the drugs. But on that last time when I wasn’t there to help her it all ended. My question is why did I have a sense of the battle we were fighting was now over and I could breathe again. I can’t explain why for that first year of her passing I did not cry or why I felt numb to all around me. I know that some family members often said, ” look at our strong you are”. Or would add you knew that it was only a matter of time before she would die. In that same year my CV husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and we moved in with our son and his wife and grandson. Only to be finincally abused and emotional abused as well. What I trying to figure out now that we moved far away from them and to a great little community is it okay to allow myself to grieve or will the grief cripple me. But most of all what will others think that I am still grieving and should have moved on by now. I ask myself what could I have done differently and beat myself up because of the feelings of relief I experienced and now being punished for. Guilt and shame go hand in hand with me. I want to know that I can grieve and it’s not going to put me in the throes of depression and anxiety that I lived in for many years of her using life. I am asking/pleading with someone who may read this to email me a message about what worked for them or where I should be looking for the right help and support. Thanks for allowing me to express my thoughts into words. debby2lynn@yahoo.ca

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