REMEMBRANCES

K

I dated a guy. Met him in 1991. From the moment our eyes met, I knew we’d be together in some way. I was engaged to another man at the time and was torn. I was falling for the new guy, K but still felt some loyalty towards T so I was sneaking around with K when I finally came clean to T who then held me hostage with a knife when I told him. Long story short, out of fear, I did K wrong, shunned him and he was upset. Over the years I tried to stay in touch with K. (I sent T packing after the knife incident) and we were on and off lovers, friends until 1999 when K went to jail for DWI. He would not let me come and see him. Time goes by and it’s 2000. I see in the newspaper that K has announced his engagement to another woman. I was devastated but left it alone. I ended up meeting my ex husband the following year, I thought I was happy….I run into K in Home Depot in 2003, my then husband was with me and he could see that I still cared for K, it was obvious. K looked at me like he did when we first met and he was married as well. That was the last time I saw K. In 2011 he had a terrible accident and was put on opioid medication. Seriously, he needed it. I called K’s sis and I wanted to go see him in the hospital and she told me he was already home, which was a lie. K was already divorced before his accident and had two children. In 2013 I looked him up, found a phone number and called. He answered the phone. He was caught off guard but we had a great conversation. We both were divorced, had gone through a lot the last 2 decades, etc. He asked if I looked the same. I said yes. He told me he had gained 60lbs since his accident and can never work again. This coming from a gorgeous man who prided himself on work. He couldn’t work out anymore either. I offered to pick him up, take him out to dinner, movie, something….he was apprehensive about his appearance but he said he’d call back. K called me the next night and I was already sleeping but I tried calling him the following night…..I never heard from him again. I tried to contact him on Facebook after he friended me but he still never contacted me. Fast forward to 2019. When I returned to NY after living out of state 3 years and I tried to contact him right away. I Googled his name and to my shock, horror, I came across his obituary from February 2019. In 2018, I sat in front of his house wanting to knock on the door but I was afraid of rejection…..my God I wish I had. He was cremated and his ashes are in his moms home so there is no where I can go to leave flowers. I’m not close with his family as I tried to earn them in 1993 about his steroid use and they hated me for it. So I’m devastated by this. I have obsessive thoughts about what could have been, how unhappy he must have been and how I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. I will love him the rest of my life and beyond. I just hope he can hear me now. I love you K. Always have, always will. If I had known what you were going through I wouldn’t have let anyone stop me from trying to get through to you.
I sent his parents a note, and religious medals but I’m not expecting a response. It was the right thing to do.

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REMEMBRANCES

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