Losing Lexus


December 8th 2018 I woke up at 4 am and I knew. A mother somehow just knows. I sent Lexus a text to remind her she should be home. She was to watch her youngest brother later that morning. She text right back, ” Don’t worry mom, I will be home by 7;30, I love you”
That was the last thing she ever said to me. I wanted to trust her, She had only been home from treatment 37 days this time. I wanted to believe that after losing my mother 10 months earlier to cancer God would bless me with Lexus remaining clean. But I knew. So I didn’t go back to sleep, I watched the time and started to call her right at 7:30 am. Call after call, text after text, with no reply. And I knew. So I got dressed and my phone rang. It wasn’t her, it was my best friend telling me of a strange call she got saying I needed to go to the ER. And I knew. Blurry is how I best recall the moments and hours after that call. I raced to the ER and pulled in right behind the coroner, and I knew. I tried to bargain with God. I tried and I tired, I begged. But when the nurse led me to an empty hospital room my soul grieved!!!! I collapsed right there and I stopped breathing. I still have not caught my breath, my soul still grieves, and yet somehow my body lives on, my brain still manages day to day activities, all while my soul continues to grieve. A mother should never have to out live her child, she should never have to decide on her casket or where exactly she should be buried in the local cemetery. But here we are, 14 months, 20 days, and 18 hours later. She will forever be 21. She will never get married or have children or even experience buying her 1st car. Fentanyl stole her dreams and her life. Lexus no longer battles her addiction, her fight is no more. So we, her family fight in her name!!!! She will not be forgotten, In her name we will help others, we will comfort others, we will raise awareness, and chip away at the stigma attached to this disease called addiction. Mommy loves you Lexus, more and more everyday.
Attribution: Christy Alexander, Lexie’s Mom

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