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Maureen Hildebrand

There are so many living the hell of trying to figure out how to grieve and what that should look and feel like. I guess I was in shock for the last month because I now feel a deeper sadness then I could never have expected, I feel as if I’m being tortured and not aloud to grieve the way I need to. Some of this is because while my son Kevin fault a life of mental illness and addiction he deeply hurt family members and friends and did things that will leave scares on them forever. But he was also my heart, I loved him so constantly and only in the last year or two got angry with him and closed the door to our relationship. After all how can you love someone or even grieve someone who has hurt family that you so deeply love as well. If I’m to be perfectly honest I truly wish it was me instead of him, because good, bad, or indifferent no matter how horrible he treated others at times he was the one who called me to help me look at myself when I needed to get it together. I know how he suffered, he was not the man God created him to be and he knew that, he wanted to be better. So whichever part of the grieving process I’m in, I don’t want to talk about it, non do I want to fake being OK or smiling. I thought it was hard facking my emotions when I was going thru a bad batch of depression. Grieving a child is absolutely the hardest and most awful feeling I’ve ever experienced.

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